That Night was Special

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That night was special
When you spilled
All your dreams.
Those silent whispers
That filled my heart
With renewed gleam.
The night was special,
When you uncovered
All your hopes –
The hopes that you gathered
While life’s twists and turns.
The fire in the belly
Which lights your passion to burn.

And the night was special
When you cried on my lap.
The fears that you revealed,
The angst that you unveiled.
Your deepest apprehensions,
Nature’s cruelest intentions.
All lay naked,
Translucent and exposed.
There lay no secret;
Illusive or apparent
Between us.
There lay no layers;
Manifested or inherent
Tearing us.

There rests only
A kiss, tender
Born out of truth
With no lies or deception.
There abides only
One warm sweet embrace
For lifelong devotion.
Even after today
If I perish as mortal,
I will have no resent
No qualms, no fancies,
Only true content.
Cause your heart touched the whole
Seeking for redemption
Made love to my soul.

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Heartless

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It was the spring of 1992. The air was light and fluffy with smell of fresh blooming flowers and sun kissed warmth to start a brand new day. As he is getting ready for his college, the song by Phill Collins emotes through the stereo system:

♫♫♫ ~~~~~ You’re the only one who really knew me at all, So take a look at me now~~~~~~ ♫♫♫

While he is crooning and whistling along the tune, his heart raptures into this sweet pain and mind cruises to that tender reflection of hers. She is all that he could have dreamt of and asked for . The lovely, gorgeous angelic face, those magical engaging eyes, a dazzling killer smile to die for. Her infectious nonchalant laughter almost always fills his desire with new set of hope. The brown wavy hair which flows like a gentle meandering stream, and a sublime, alluring presence that captures his reckless heart and subdues his wandering mind that nothing in this world could have dared to.

“She is nothing less than a benediction
to his otherwise uninteresting recluse life.
She is the love what he longed for
every moment of the day and every single night.”

He knows her inside and out. She did share her treasured dreams, her toughest trials, the unseen prayers and even her innermost fears to him. She would call him and tell him how much she miss him if they don’t see each other for a day or two. They are inseparable. And the musing comes to an end as the phone rings and on the other side it’s no one other than his lady divine, which he no longer wants to be away from for even fraction of a second.

The eyes met but they have to wait as the lecture session continues. How much he looks forward to these few hours which fills for him, his Entire zest for the day! As the class gets over, she rushes towards him with that endearing smile on her face and clasps his hands tightly and securely as if he is the safest harbour. The craving look in her eyes to be with him and spend some sweet moment of nothingness is intense. The feelings could not be better as being mutual. They make their way through the crowd to find some resort to hang around to a place, little roomy and uncrowded, where they can talk and laugh and share their heart out in those counted times of togetherness.

As they pass through the archways and pathways, they find themselve in the lap of nature in the campus botanical garden, a place secluded and calm; like two lovebirds lost in the idyllic serene. He is so much over the moon and as happy as a sandboy. She looks pleased but then the eyes says it all.What’s with her eyes today! It has that eerie feeling with a vague, distant gaze, something which he never witnessed before.

When enquired, she unfolds that she is hitched to a guy through her parent and maybe these are her last few days in the college. As an hour pass by and the time for the next discourse, she gives him a warm caress…before leaving him alone there, just like that; dazed, dismayed and blown away…..

How could she?
How dare could she?
Is she that ruthless?
Is she that remorseless?
Is she that a gold digger?
Does love is just a plaything for her?
Does that love even matter to her?
Does that love exist at all?
Is she that Heartless?

As he stands there aghast and heartbroken….she walks away like a heartless.
Heartless!
But then how could she be heartless!
When in the whole world, he never did confessed verbally or uttered his insanely impeccable love to her.
And the words from the leftover song from morning reverberates all through his numb mind as if insulating him from his entire surrounding…..

♫♫♫ ~~~~~ How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
‘Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all ~~~~~♫♫♫

So take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ooh, Take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space ~~~~~♫♫♫

Why you don’t want to get married ?

 

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Why you don’t want to get married?
You are 19. This is the right age. The younger you marry, better it is for you.

I wish I could tell you this but I respect you so….with her lips sealed, she broods over ….

“~~~yes I am 19…that enkindles me with a hope.
A hope to fly with my wings to chase my dreams.
A hope to be me and topple and stumble and arise and learn to live fully, by being me.
A hope to explore and to enlighten myself to face this resilient world ahead.
And a hope to grow; grow into a woman well-grounded yet with a voice. ~~~”

You have crossed even 18 now.
When will you have some wisdom?
Why don’t you understand it’s your life?

With a deep sigh yet unruffled demeanour, she ruminates…..

“~~~Yes, I am aware I am above 18(legal age for girls to get married in India). As far as legalities are concerned, are you aware that forced marriage is a violation of fundamental Human Rights? That implies I have the freedom to choose whether I get married or not, when to get married, and whom to get married.

Obviously, marriage will not infuse wisdom into my mind, may be time and life experiences will but how is it concerned with being married or not!
I understand too it’s my life and that’s why I don’t want to comply on this. Getting married is a choice and I reason out that I have the right to make crucial choices about my own life. ~~~”

Don’t you see, Nina already got married and nicely settled in New York. Why it is that you don’t want to get married?

If only I could tell you this aloud but I love you so as it might hurt you..words playing all over her mind, she is thinking….

~~~To make you feel better, perhaps Nina always waited for this Prince Charming from time immemorial. Or may be she was choiceless. This might hurt you though! Now I remember why in the whole world New York was her favourite destination! ~~~”

Haven’t you studied for 15 long years? What is it with all these unnecessary excuses you got? More studies? What is the use of higher studies, when after marriage all you have to do is to raise kids and take care of your family which is so important?

With a heavy heart and sullen face, henceforth she ponders….

 “~~~Oh yes I knew this was coming! Interpretations like this makes me feel numb at one side and on the other to revolt with whatever strength I got. It makes me cry, makes me scream, scream it out. But then I realise that somewhere you have lost your own voice, your own self with years of conditioned mind and prejudiced heart toying all over you. So I feel helpless for you and care to remain speechless.

Fifteen long years..let me rethink….that makes my sweet little brother got only three more years to pursue his education. But how on earth, can he be a doctor or an engineer as much as you desperately want him to be going by this ’15 long years’ logic. Or is it that he is entitled for more than 15 years to seek for whatever he aspires to be!

Now I realise that the scope for any kind of pursuit of knowledge and learning has to be eyed through blue&pink colour scheme(gender specific). How dumb I can get! It’s there for a long long time, so why question? Does it even matter if I say that I am all flesh and blood with a heart and soul too just as much as him!

And the thing you said about family; Raising kids and taking care of family is a big, big responsibility and requires tremendous maturity and endurance. I honour those family values. With kids, It’s like little life in your hand. And I am not prepared for it.~~~”

I just pray that everything is normal with you! I am asking you now, don’t play with my patience. Why don’t you put some words in your mouth and respond instead standing there mum like a figurine, from that time? 

With a colour of mischief in her eyes she playfully muses…

~~~Normal! What does that mean now! Oh, I so get it! Thank God you didn’t scout my personal diary which still got that post card of Cristiano Ronaldo intact… He is so…. I feel flushed now. Let’s talk something else~~~”

But then suddenly she collects her bearing. With those doleful eyes tearless yet drowned with melancholia… words floating all through her veins, she deeply reflects…..

“~~~There is so much to say. But will you understand what I mean to say!
Would you open your mind whole heartedly to embrace fresh new unbiased ideas?
Would you be my confidant and guide and let me be what I want to be?
I just want to live a fulfilled life. Will you take that from me just because I am a girl!
And have trust on me as I will never break your trust. If you would then I have so much to say…
As much as you think I am against marriage, to your surprise, I value marriage. Marriage is an institution in itself and it brings meaning to your life. With marriage starts a new chapter in your life,momentous and delicate and appeals for lifelong commitment and calls for two different shared life.
I don’t want to get married just to settle down. Neither I want to get married to follow a religious convention or to maintain a traditional belief.
I don’t want to get married to enhance my individual status or identity; just for the sake of being called Mrs…and definitely not for some economic or immigration benefit(I just hope Nina is happy there!).

At 19, I barely know myself. Whenever I want to jump the wagon or decide to get married, I want to do it for all the right reasons. I want to get married too but for love, for togetherness, for commitment, for a family of my own, for someone whom I can trust and devote no matter what, for time perpetual.

Haven’t you heard ‘Happily ever after’ is not a fairy tale….it’s a choice.
I will be glad, if you did rather asked me :

Why you don’t want to get married ‘Now‘?

How I wish I could have told you all this and more! But somewhere I am aware that it’s pointless and moreover I choose not to distress you so. ~~~”

This time you better respond as Why you don’t want to get married?

“~~~I thought….In my silence, you will find my confession and my utterance as I was sure you will understand that. But if you still insist…~~~”

And finally for the first time, she retorts aloud:

“Because, I don’t want to be another you.”

Only god can help you!

With a spring in her step and raring to go,  she picks up her Canvas Jute college bag and chuckles confidently,

God helps those who help themselves.”

 

 

Ref: The genesis of this short fiction comes from a real life incident. In certain stratum of society, the sad truth lingers; when a boy is born, there’s jubilation, songs of success and prayers for his bright future but with the birth of a girl, the first thing which crosses parent’s mind is her marriage. As if a girl is born to get married. An inexperienced, immature girl is emotionally coerced to get married in her early young age pressurised by these partial standards. It’s a vicious cycle and a blow to her self-worth. With this practice, a path towards individual aspiration and self-realisation is brazenly compromised just because she is a girl. How justifiable or reasonable is that?

A letter to Someone Special…

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WordPress Writing 101- Day Five:Be Brief Challenge

You stumble upon a random letter on the path. You read it. It affects you deeply, and you wish it could be returned to the person to which it’s addressed. Write a story about this encounter.

Today’s twist: Approach this post in as few words as possible.

 

Dear God!

I love you and I believe love is the greatest worship.

Yours ardently,
CB

(On 12th Birthday)

 

I did stumble upon this small pale, frazzled letter below my bedroom balcony, which I folded diligently and kept it safe with me after reading the lines, as no generous intentions of returning it back. I know that’s rude and crude.
But I am helpless as I too live with the same faith….not just about how I feel for God , but also about the power of Love. It was a poignant note by a twelve year naive, unexposed, sincere starry-eyed girl.

I guess the note fell down from my old tattered school diary while cleaning up my attic this morning. Somewhere that girl still lives within me, with an eager heart and hope intense….And I don’t want to loose that girl ever.

 

What are EYES for!

 

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Vision to your being,
Reason to your senses,
Reflects beauty,
Beholds life.
At times, creates illusion.
What are Eyes for!

Sometimes silent estuary of sorrow,
and at times fountain of bliss.
I see it all but
Can it dig deeper into someone’s whole?
What are Eyes for!

Declares commitment,
Suppresses anguish,
Affirms concern,
Expresses love.
Vents rancour(anger).
At times, Spells magic.
What are Eyes for!

Never lies,
Persuades my presumptions.
A mirror to my soul,
That’s where it abodes.

Yet Another Love Story…. (Release or Renew)

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(A Short-fiction story)

“Anything I say or tell him even if it’s with good intentions utmost or for our mutual benefit, it backfires. It backfires to such depth that I am wounded. In this living body I continue, but soulfully dead. I don’t know if it’s the same for others. Life has never been kind to me. First time while I was in my adolescence, I realised life treats you the way you don’t want to be treated. All our fears and apprehensions come in form of challenges we face. We face it with courage or bow down to it in fear; crux of the matter is you have to go through it. It’s inevitable.

When you love someone more than yourself, the risk is that much uncertain. But we take it as it might bring some solace or joy to our life and when that very someone becomes the reason for our agony, then we are left with two choices – ‘Release or Renew’. What’s more worthy in a relationship ? Renew in a relationship needs more than you; the effort of other person too whereas Release(let go) needs just you. Both are arduous to approach but then these are the only two doors open to us at that point of time.” So she mused.

Naina(Indian name meaning eyes) thought she will never be happy in her life again; as if the whole universe was plotting against her. But then life changed. What happened that night was nothing less than a benediction.

She fell asleep waiting for him on the cement patio….hoping that he will come and wipe her tears gently but with his rough patchy hands. With the hope that he will ask for his part of forgiveness shedding his doggedness and she in turn will appeal for some too, subduing her emotions. One warm sweet embrace and the time will standstill melting into eternity.

But that never did happen. When it was around the chirping of maybe the first bird that she woke up unexpectedly in the orange hue. It was dawn, about 5:30 am. Hairs dishevelled and salty-stained cheek…..she no more looked that beautiful. It was the least she could have cared for(her appearance) at that particular moment of time. She pressed the number. It was not reachable. May be some connectivity issue which is better than utterly switched off.
Connectivity is what they suffered from in their relationship. But in the beginning they felt otherwise at least she did, feeling intensely connected to him; physically and metaphysically and somewhere she was aware that he too felt the same. Unhesitatingly, she continued calling him. She got restless what if!

It was a trivial issue which lead to rudimentary ones like most of the times, but unlike this time they both lost their self-restraint. And it flared up deep and high. Naina kept on calling every minute and then, though unattended. All she could think is how could he do this to her!…after all these years of togetherness and love abound. They were married for seven years and courted each other for four more. Eleven years what she bargained for and where she stands now is almost wrecked.

“Marriage- this tricky eight letter word she gasped. The words from one of her favourite Author Elizabeth Gilbert’s best-selling ‘Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage’ reverberated on her mind which says:

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.

”How true and how profound”, she felt. Perhaps it was the time to Release, so she thought. It was a dead-end. She partly blamed herself but still partly implicated him. “Where the hell is Neil”?

Neilesh(or Neil as people called him) took a taxi. He was famished. All he could think of that time was some food to sustain him for the next hour or two. He went straight to the nearby railway station, the only place which can provide him with some helpings. The railway stall satiated his need.
He ruminated,” It’s time; time to bid adieu”. He closed his eyes and one last time he struggled to think of all the worthy times he had in this lifetime in a glimpse. His body was worn out without any sleep from past twenty two hours and mind numbed. His hands touched his pocket unconsciously like a zombie. He felt his cell inside his front pocket. He switched it on for the last time. There’s a ring. It’s an unknown number. Nothing to gain or to loose to answer that call, he thought unconcerned.

” Hello! is that Mr. Neilesh? …..”

The call was from the nearby city hospital, which both Neil & Naina visited in times of need and it lasted for about eight minutes. The message from the call was like a bolt from the blue for Neil. What was he thinking! What’s wrong with him! How could he!

And that sparkling radiant sublime face….those soft nurturing hands….her carefree laughter…her addictive smell…the aromatic servings…..list endless. He wanted to see Naina the very next second.
Few seconds were like years infinite. He got restless what if!
Neil finally assembled his courage and rang the bell breathlessly praying incessantly. The door was opened…..Thank god!

Naina was standing there, with no expressions at all. Without further ado they hugged each other steadfastly but gently as if aware of the presence of a third soul. As if their love has grown manifold in these few hours. Their eyes met and begged for forgiveness to each other.

Before she could say a word, Neil fumbled , ” I got a call and there’s a news to share with you.” She said, “Don’t as they called me too after not being able to reach you for number of times.A new shoot of life, a little one, an angel in disguise; their own child – all they have been trying and waiting for from past five years, has arrived and yes indeed the report came positive this time. Life will never be the same for them. From now on ‘Mommy and Daddy is the word or to say the world’ will be for them. It was a god-sent opportunity. And it was time to Renew.

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Reference: (WordPress has partnered with Nobel Peace Laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu to initiate Global Forgiveness Challenge to help people learn the practical steps to forgiveness so they can live with greater love and joy in their life. The four fold path of forgiveness begins by telling the story of what happened, then grant forgiveness, and finally either Renew or Release the relationship. And the story is my humble dedication to the cause.)